There are times in our lives where we just can not and will not understand the bigger picture of things. This week has been one of those for me. Many don't know, but this week on Wednesday I got in a car accident and pretty much totaled my car. Thanks to divine protection I came out without a scratch. This was a very emotional moment because I am one to that likes to understand and in this situation I could not understand why. My family has had a great deal of problems with vehicles very recently and this couldn't have come at a more worse time. I guess the saying goes "When it rains, it pours". It's usually tragic events like these where the story begins on how this was some kind of wake up call to their lives, but it's hard to receive a wake up call when you are honestly doing the things that have been commanded and that you know you are suppose to do. What did come was a reminder of a principle that I must have forgotten about. There are 2 types of trials that come in life, those that come as consequence to our actions and those that come because it's life. There are those that we can control and those that we have no control over. Life always gives us lessons that need to be learned.
At this point it got me back to thinking about marriage, I know I know you'll probably get tired of hearing about it, but hey these are the struggles of a returned missionary. So what is marriage? A commitment between a man and a woman? A piece of paper makes it legit by law or an ordinance that you go through with your spouse? I've come to a simple conclusion that it is, love. We make a very strong commitment with someone to prove our love and devotion for this person. Now there is something very unique aspect about love that makes it very different. It involves the free agency of two different people. There is one thing that each and everyone of us has and that is free agency. This is the ability for us to make our own choices. That is a gift God gave us that not even He will take away from us. Now as a missionary you quickly gain a love/hate relationship with this "free agency", because you would love for everyone to listen to the Gospel, gain a testimony, get baptized and live the gospel faithfully for the rest of their lives. But unfortunately not everyone sees the Gospel as something that will benefit them and will bring happiness to their lives, so they choose not to listen. And as a missionary it's so hard to see someone, a child of God, that you don't even know but yet you feel love and compassion for them, reject something that you know will bring them happiness. Let me tell you it is rough, but you soon realize you can only do YOUR best to share it with them and if they choose to reject it, that it is okay because they have that choice to make. Even when you have seen the blessings in your life and the lives of others and you know what a blessing it could be to their lives, you have to let them choose. I realized that this applies directly with "love". Love is a choice that two people make and it can not be forced. It doesn't matter how perfect you think you are for each other or how perfect you think you are for him/her, if it is not a choice both of you make it will not work healthily. The most difficult is when you make that choice, but the other person does not. It becomes very hard to accept at times because as human beings we do not like to fail and in moments like these you feel like you have failed. It took me awhile to apply what I had learned in the mission to my real life because until recently I came to accept that it is not a failure because it was something they used their free agency on and there is nothing you can do about it. Now I know I'm not married nor am I in love, so maybe I'm all wrong and I really don't know anything. But I do know that love is one of those things in life we can't control. Maybe that is why after being home after a year I am still not married because it has been something this past year that I have been trying to force happen because I know that's what I should do. Maybe I should just listen to what everyone says "It will come". At times I feel like I can't just sit here and wait, I have to actively pursue because I am so scared of just becoming too focused on school and my career that I will then over-look the opportunities to find love. It think if anything it is just another moment where I am walking blindly and the only thing I can do is put my trust in Heavenly Father to lead me to happiness and success. He knows best. And actually He knows everything. Which sparks the question if He is THE MOST trustworthy person to exist, why do we so often struggle putting our trust in Him? Just food for thought. I love you all. Thank you once again for reading. Feel free to comment or give feedback on anything you would like. No judgement zone.